Confessions of a Hypocrite

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Where do I begin?

The title says it all, really, but I suppose I should elaborate...a bit.

Guess I spoke too soon on my first post because Friday came around and everything fell apart, or so it seems. I didn't stick to my plan at all....mostly due to the fact that I went to bed terribly late and therefore slept in. By the time I was dressed and ready to begin the day, it was time to go to my lesson. Hence, very little was accomplished on Friday. I also told a white lie. "Barbie" asked what I was doing this weekend and I made up a fib about having plans for Fri and Sat night. I was totally 100% available. Why didn't I just tell him the truth, that I just didn't feel like seeing him? Because Barbie is of a very sensitive nature and seeing as how he is just about the only friend I have left here, I didn't want to risk him going into one of his moods and me slipping even further into this rut. Normally, I wouldn't care but the new me. It was just my luck that he called again tonight, asking me to come over. This time I did something right and explained that I wanted to be alone. On second thought, that may have been a lie...

And a few hours ago I logged into Facebook but for a good reason. I wanted to check that my friends in Japan were okay. Thank god, all of them are...except for one. Someone told me she died in the tsunami but it hasn't been confirmed and I'm slightly freaking out. This doesn't count, people!!

The title of this post is exaggerated, you say? I know, I know. This is just practice, everything is practice, life is practice and practice makes perfect. You mess up, you get back up and try again until you get it right. The thing is, I've been struggling to get up for quite some time now- off of a floor that is covered in oil (poured by none other than yours truly). I thought the fast would help keep me up and it did, initially. But I guess I haven't been fully addressing my "problem." I thought I needed a different change (major understatement), so I treated myself to a little day-trip to Antwerp yesterday. It was nice, but still feel the same. By "the same" I mean not myself. I don't know what's gotten into me. Or why the hell can't I do anything I set out for myself anymore. I want to but I never do, at least not for long. Could I be having a quarter-life crisis? That has to be it. What's funny is that I know everything I need to do to get out of the rut, but can't do it. No, I CAN, I know this in my heart but my brain is telling me I can't. Stupid brain. I wish I could put it on Airplane mode sometimes. It interferes with communication between my soul and my body. I need to be guided by SOUL. To hell with thinking!!

I need to do more soul-searching and I'm just about ready to dump the computer out the window, since it's counterproductive to this end. It's become more of a foe than a friend. Traitor!

Aaaaaaaaaand after confirming that I'm a nutcase, I will end this entry here.

Day 3

Right now I'm writing this from the stand at Effing Iceland. I finally go after A1 (the nickname I have for my boy) begged me for the millionth time. Why you ask I didn't go? Well simple, 'TEEN NIGHT.' I'm a 25 yr old dude like really!? You expect me to go to something where there is going to be screaming little kids talking about Justin Beiber? Actually yea since I'm Effing here! Seriously I hope someone trips and falls (while I skate) on top of me while simultaneously slicing my wrists with their  skates. 

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Shit anyways I got to go. Day 3 and I am still behaving like a good little boy. Ironically.

Day #Uno

Well folks, today...*sigh* was not so bad. ;D I'll have to be brief since my phone is about to die so bare with me. Today at work there were a couple of occasions I coulda flip-off some people but decided to hold back and continue with my day. Although I noticed something weird today.

I work in an armored truck business and I am a bit over protective with my job and the people I worked with. So usually people who come close to me or my coworker while dealing with money, I turn into the 'Terminator.' Yet the majority of the people that do get close are really Old... I mean, elderly people. Usually the elderly that I encounter are actually very mean but, today they seem very sweet. It could be because I was a bit nicer to them but I am not 100% sure. All I do know was that it was a first.

Other then that, today at work wasn't so bad. Was tempted to check facebook today just because it has become a habit to do so, but remembered why I shouldn't. Didn't realize until now how addictive social networking actually is. I also didn't get my ashes today but as stated before, I was at work. So instead I made my coworker put dirt from the sidewalk onto my forehead and said the 'Our father' 10 times.;p JK.

Well onto day 2. Bon Nuit!

Day One

So the day has arrived. Ash Wednesday. Not that this was planned well in advance or anything -it was more of a day-before type-thing- but sometimes the less planning you do, the better.

The day started out great. I followed my schedule to the T: Meditation, Running, Job apps, English lesson. Oh wait, I'm supposed to be doing something now...let's see. Oh yes, dancing. What? Dancing. You see, I've been spending an inordinate amount of time on the internet lately and am trying to reduce that as much as possible. So for approx. an hour in the evenings, I will be hosting private dance parties in my room. Something I used to do all the time as a kid and really enjoyed. And really miss.

Better wrap this up, as I've already wasted 18 of my dance minutes...this was just to state that day one has gone smoothly. Except for the fact that I didn't get my ashes. Then again, that wasn't in my agenda. I walked by church and saw the lights on, but honestly, I just wanted to get my ass inside to have dinner. Oops. Bye!

Blog NEWBIE!

If this ever reaches a million views/members, I wanna b the First one to post!

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Accomplishment...?

Yes!

Also, Just want to let everyone know it's going to suck giving up the things I enjoy little by little, (Alcohol, Fights, Sex, etc.) but for the little innocence i have left in me and consolation from the woman i adore... AND Stephanie V, shows me that this will be good for me and maybe even reach full enlightenment one day.

So far for 46 days I'm going to sacrifice due to Lent is Bread, Social Networking, and controlling my Flared Temper.

God Help Us all.