Where do I begin?
The title says it all, really, but I suppose I should elaborate...a bit.
Guess I spoke too soon on my first post because Friday came around and everything fell apart, or so it seems. I didn't stick to my plan at all....mostly due to the fact that I went to bed terribly late and therefore slept in. By the time I was dressed and ready to begin the day, it was time to go to my lesson. Hence, very little was accomplished on Friday. I also told a white lie. "Barbie" asked what I was doing this weekend and I made up a fib about having plans for Fri and Sat night. I was totally 100% available. Why didn't I just tell him the truth, that I just didn't feel like seeing him? Because Barbie is of a very sensitive nature and seeing as how he is just about the only friend I have left here, I didn't want to risk him going into one of his moods and me slipping even further into this rut. Normally, I wouldn't care but the new me. It was just my luck that he called again tonight, asking me to come over. This time I did something right and explained that I wanted to be alone. On second thought, that may have been a lie...
And a few hours ago I logged into Facebook but for a good reason. I wanted to check that my friends in Japan were okay. Thank god, all of them are...except for one. Someone told me she died in the tsunami but it hasn't been confirmed and I'm slightly freaking out. This doesn't count, people!!
The title of this post is exaggerated, you say? I know, I know. This is just practice, everything is practice, life is practice and practice makes perfect. You mess up, you get back up and try again until you get it right. The thing is, I've been struggling to get up for quite some time now- off of a floor that is covered in oil (poured by none other than yours truly). I thought the fast would help keep me up and it did, initially. But I guess I haven't been fully addressing my "problem." I thought I needed a different change (major understatement), so I treated myself to a little day-trip to Antwerp yesterday. It was nice, but still feel the same. By "the same" I mean not myself. I don't know what's gotten into me. Or why the hell can't I do anything I set out for myself anymore. I want to but I never do, at least not for long. Could I be having a quarter-life crisis? That has to be it. What's funny is that I know everything I need to do to get out of the rut, but can't do it. No, I CAN, I know this in my heart but my brain is telling me I can't. Stupid brain. I wish I could put it on Airplane mode sometimes. It interferes with communication between my soul and my body. I need to be guided by SOUL. To hell with thinking!!
I need to do more soul-searching and I'm just about ready to dump the computer out the window, since it's counterproductive to this end. It's become more of a foe than a friend. Traitor!
Aaaaaaaaaand after confirming that I'm a nutcase, I will end this entry here.
Tisk Tisk Tisk. Well I won the bet! But... as my half-brother Jesus would do, I will forgive u. You have one more chance to redeem yourself. Do me a favor though, everytime you wake up in the morning, go outside, close your eyes and take a deepbreath and embrace the day as a new beginning, should help you in a more spiritual sense. Hope it works out on your journey. Love you.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I hope Ur friend turns out to be ok up in japan.
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