Another challenge ?

Thinking of no masturbation until I get laid... hmmm

Attitude

On my mind this morning:

The only thing you can control is your attitude....................

Change your attitude and everything will change.

Bye!

Day 16

Hello Folks! I know its been a while I haven't posted anything about what's going on currently in my life due to these challenges, but if I had to put it all in one word, it would be 'Awakening.' Could it be because instead of being irascible towards people, I become 'nice'? Could it be instead of going on my computer to check on these social networking sites, I do the contrary? Or could it be the restriction of bread in my diet? Well let's see and find out.

During this week, there hasn't been anything worth wild to talk about since its been the same old routine. Although, routine... a word you would think that pertains to dull and boring (which it is in most cases) might actually have its quirks. I have a co-worker who is in his 60s. A Dominican man who hardly speak any English that in my opinion, has been apart of this form of 'Awakening.' In affiliation with my challenge as to control my temper, he often told me something that for some reason I kept over-looking... actually something that everyone has told me but I ignored. That being angry is such a waste of energy and time. He told me his current situation about his blood pressure and how it might be his demise one day since he is so old. He instead tries to focus his anger and frustration towards things that are positive in his life. Stress is definitely a sickness that can take seconds, maybe minutes from your life. So I've been practicing his method and trying to focus that form of energy into something else more healthy and productive and so far its been successful.

Social-networking. I found out during this long duration of actually not even checking such a thing, might be pointless after all. Besides the fact that you are able to connect to lost family, friends, and loved ones... It is definitely not a necessity to be inclined into checking it every breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Besides, what's wrong with calling someone to check up on them? I mean its more intimate that way than anything else. Now on the topic of eliminating bread from my diet, I miss it due to its portability for a lunch or a snack. Other then that, I have become more savor-able towards the food that I eat and it has worked wonders.

Now... besides these challenges and the effect it has done with my 'routine' I must say, it has nothing to do with what has erupted these past few days. I have realized that I was living a dream all this time, a form of inception I realized I was in for a while now. As some people may know, Life and Love are not far apart as some people may think. We live Life in order to find something we Love about it. I have endeavored for a while now to find something or someone I Love. Yet the concept of reality kicks in. This time however, it has not been disappointing.

I have fallen in love with someone who is completely out of the blue and also out of the loop. I told her how I felt, and as a bold person would do, tell me exactly what she felt. Was it the answer I was looking for? Yes and No. She told me she didn't feel the same which reinforced my position back into what stands behind all Love... Hope. At First, it was hope that she would feel the same for me one day. Then out of thin air, my mind and my heart just snapped*. Instead, I have hope to feel for someone as much as I do her. My co-worker asked me, "Why did you completely change the way you eat and why are you trying to give up liquor when you go out with your friends?" I responded with something I never thought I would say. "Because if I ever get married or find someone I truly love, I want to live as long as I can so I can be with her." I never in a million years thought that I would ever say such a thing. I came across a great quote that has opened my eyes in this situation.

A man only needs one thing in life. He just needs someone to love*. If you can't give him that, then give him something to hope for. And if you can't give him that, just give him something to do*.

I'm glad that is something she did for me.

To finally close this up. 'routine' isn't always such a horrible thing if you can just stop for 2-3 seconds to listen, hear, smell, see, and feel what is around you. Once you have mastered this concept, everyday will actually BE a NEW day. For Life, Love, and Hope... once you find something and someone you truly Love and Loves you back, you will find that every day of your life, whether routine or not, will be worth waking up too. So until then folks, until then... ;)

First REAL update

Good news! I've been keeping up with my self-imposed challenge to the T this week. My flatmate got back on Sunday and it's been smooth sailing ever since: library every morning, searching for jobs, sending out apps, then beginning my "work day" and returning home to continue being productive. By productive, I mean staying off the computer after 8pm. Between 8 and 11, bedtime, I've been mostly reading. This was my goal for the evenings because I realized that I spend WAY too much time online. It's a true addiction and definitely part of the reason why I was feeling so lousy during the past few weeks. The majority of my days were spent on the computer... even on nice days. And the more time I spent online, the more I wanted to stay there. We all know how bad staying indoors is for my mental health and I've noticed this even more now that I've put the computer away in the evenings.

These were all things that I intended to start on a lot earlier, but seemed to be "stuck" for some reason. I attribute that to the painful routine, of empty mornings and evenings, with English-teaching in between, in combination with my flatmate's absence...aka prolonged isolation. Those two are a lethal combination for me. Now, usually I LOVE being alone, but with very few friends here anymore, loneliness has started to creep into my bones. It's something I'm not used to dealing with since I'm generally happy to have time alone. So I guess I just didn't know what to do with myself. Anyway, I seemed to snap out of it immediately after my flatmate's arrival. It's funny though because I hardly even see her except for a few minutes here and there in the mornings and before bed. Somehow that's enough to keep me sane.

As for A2's challenge for me, I've got to admit, I haven't been able to practice very much, given my current situation. Still, I've been pretty good about it thus far. Honest and straight forward with "Barbie". Also making sure to speak up if there's something on my mind. Did so yesterday when yet AGAIN he tried to persuade me to go home and come back so we could co-habitate. I stood my ground, thank you very much....albeit not as strongly as I wanted to. Eh, practice makes perfect. And I'll get a lot more practice with Barbie, who by the way, reminds me of of an ex (he was already planning the wedding, 1 month into the relationship :P hah!), the way he plans things. Good god! With my mom I guess it's a bit harder because I can't be FULLY honest with her, less it lead to one of our long, drawn-out arguments. I'm making an effort to phrase things in a positive way though.

This challenge is special in that it's more than just a Lenten challenge. I actually started it back in late 2009 (Dec., when I was sharing my apt with bums) thanks to my dear buddy, A2. Ever since then, I've been striving to speak my mind and be more honest and open about my feelings and opinions with others. I'm getting less practice now since there are less people I can really do this exercise with. However, this is something that I plan to continue doing well past the "challenge" period, probably for the rest of my life. We shouldn't be afraid to say "no", stand up for ourselves, or let someone know we disagree with them. For some, this comes naturally, but the tone and manner in which these things are expressed is what counts. It's what people remember. We want to do so in a way that does not lead to conflict and doesn't offend others...or at least does the least amount of damage.

Alright A2. Spill!

Ode to the sun

"What inspires you?"

How often do we hear that question asked by others? Better yet, how often do we ask ourselves what inspires us? Do we even know? I'm not entirely sure I do.

Most would say their parents, a successful athlete or the like. Growing up, my parents were most certainly my motivation. I wanted to please them, I wanted praise from them, but above all, I wanted them to love me- whether they showed it or not- and excelling in school was a surefire way to make that happen.

But what inspired me? Honestly, as a kid, I found inspiration in nearly everything- the swings at the playground, any given episode of Unsolved Mysteries, a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, the science section of my encyclopedia collection, music, the list is endless. All of these things amazed me, inspired me to aspire, made me want more from life and to strive for bigger and better. Pretty easy when you're 9 and have your whole life ahead of you , eh?

Inspiration seems to come naturally when we're children. At least it's much easier to receive it. As I've gotten older, though, I've come to find it much harder to feel inspired. As an adult especially, I've found myself looking everywhere for inspiration and being unable to find it.

Well I just found some in probably the most inconspicuous place- the sun. Whaaa? I just finished sunbathing outside my windowsill (err, let's call it rooftop). There was some light meditation music playing on my iPod, little to no wind, eyes closed and I was swimming in pure sunshine. It was DIVINE. Not only did it physically feel good, but spiritually, it was fantastic; like my SOUL was being embraced.

I've always loved the sun until recently, having gone through a phase where I actually feared it. Wrinkles, skin cancer, sunburn, unsightly tan-lines, etc., etc. Bullsh*t. The sun is Love. It gives life, it feeds, nourishes, consoles, embraces, gives us something to wake up to, lights the way, reassures us that everything will be okay, takes our breath away with its ethereal paintings on its canvas, the sky. It reminds us that our bodies are tiny but our spirits are unlimited.

The sun is selfless, unconditional love. It gives without asking for a thing in return, without expecting to receive. It pours its rays of love onto the Earth day after day, never tiring, never asking for a momentary break, never ceasing, never stopping. So selfless in fact, that while most of us verbally abuse it for abandoning us in the winter and allowing the clouds to dull its intensity for long stretches, it still comes back time and time again. Nor does it forsake us at night when it lights the moon, as to not leave us in complete obscurity for even a second.

I could write a full essay on this topic but will stop here for your sake. What I want to convey is that this realization of the sun's unyielding love for Earth today was so overwhelming- in a pleasant way- that it was inspiring. If only we all loved like that....

Inspiration is everywhere; it never went missing. We need only remove the blinders we've been given in adolescence/adulthood so that we may witness the beauty, the good and the love in everything and everyone. You know how they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Well the beholder who does not see beauty clearly has not taken off his/her blinders.

Love is all around. Wake up.

Day 8

Woke up really depressed today. Hasn't happened in a while. I  thought about where I'm at, who I know and trust, and what I stand for came into question. For every answer to those questions to me was very sad and pathetic. I would elaborate more but phone is about to die again.

Other then that today was an ok day, 'doing the same shit on a different toilet' as they say. Just that people were pissing me off today and the fact that I just let it slide gets me even more irritated. Growing up, I was always taught that if you have nothing good to say, then don't say it. Those principles I have realized today are weak. People who notice this will always take advantage of that one way or another. So why be nice when you're surrounded by fucking idiots with devil horns all the time?

Well to finish things up I have been a 'good boy' so far right now. Was tempted to eat my egg whites w/ toast today but didn't and it pissed me off even further. But whatever, on to a new day.

Day 6

Well this past weekend has been somewhat entertaining. I went to go see the movie "Hall Pass." This movie is a romantic comedy about 2 wives who gave their husband 1 week off of marriage. My scale out of 10 for this movie... a 4. It had its funny moments but all in all it was not worth $10.50.

Now onto my sacrifices. I was tricked into sinning on Saturday when I happen to open my phones browser and it automatically went onto facebook. I guess it wasn't too bad because nobody comments or leaves anything on it anyways. I think its due to my sarcastic nature on Facebook. I realize how dependent people are when it comes to these social networking sites to the point that I find it hilarious. I do overdose on the things that I say on there, but to be honest, I don't give a f*ck. So I Immediately close it.

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I have more to say but I don't have the time right now to add it on here. Besides, I need to save it for my phone call with Lady V when we do our routine check-up on each other to see if everything is ok. Even though she lives 10000 miles away from me, everyday we speak i feel she is right next to me. Well until next time folks!

Au revoir!

Confessions of a Hypocrite

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Where do I begin?

The title says it all, really, but I suppose I should elaborate...a bit.

Guess I spoke too soon on my first post because Friday came around and everything fell apart, or so it seems. I didn't stick to my plan at all....mostly due to the fact that I went to bed terribly late and therefore slept in. By the time I was dressed and ready to begin the day, it was time to go to my lesson. Hence, very little was accomplished on Friday. I also told a white lie. "Barbie" asked what I was doing this weekend and I made up a fib about having plans for Fri and Sat night. I was totally 100% available. Why didn't I just tell him the truth, that I just didn't feel like seeing him? Because Barbie is of a very sensitive nature and seeing as how he is just about the only friend I have left here, I didn't want to risk him going into one of his moods and me slipping even further into this rut. Normally, I wouldn't care but the new me. It was just my luck that he called again tonight, asking me to come over. This time I did something right and explained that I wanted to be alone. On second thought, that may have been a lie...

And a few hours ago I logged into Facebook but for a good reason. I wanted to check that my friends in Japan were okay. Thank god, all of them are...except for one. Someone told me she died in the tsunami but it hasn't been confirmed and I'm slightly freaking out. This doesn't count, people!!

The title of this post is exaggerated, you say? I know, I know. This is just practice, everything is practice, life is practice and practice makes perfect. You mess up, you get back up and try again until you get it right. The thing is, I've been struggling to get up for quite some time now- off of a floor that is covered in oil (poured by none other than yours truly). I thought the fast would help keep me up and it did, initially. But I guess I haven't been fully addressing my "problem." I thought I needed a different change (major understatement), so I treated myself to a little day-trip to Antwerp yesterday. It was nice, but still feel the same. By "the same" I mean not myself. I don't know what's gotten into me. Or why the hell can't I do anything I set out for myself anymore. I want to but I never do, at least not for long. Could I be having a quarter-life crisis? That has to be it. What's funny is that I know everything I need to do to get out of the rut, but can't do it. No, I CAN, I know this in my heart but my brain is telling me I can't. Stupid brain. I wish I could put it on Airplane mode sometimes. It interferes with communication between my soul and my body. I need to be guided by SOUL. To hell with thinking!!

I need to do more soul-searching and I'm just about ready to dump the computer out the window, since it's counterproductive to this end. It's become more of a foe than a friend. Traitor!

Aaaaaaaaaand after confirming that I'm a nutcase, I will end this entry here.

Day 3

Right now I'm writing this from the stand at Effing Iceland. I finally go after A1 (the nickname I have for my boy) begged me for the millionth time. Why you ask I didn't go? Well simple, 'TEEN NIGHT.' I'm a 25 yr old dude like really!? You expect me to go to something where there is going to be screaming little kids talking about Justin Beiber? Actually yea since I'm Effing here! Seriously I hope someone trips and falls (while I skate) on top of me while simultaneously slicing my wrists with their  skates. 

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Shit anyways I got to go. Day 3 and I am still behaving like a good little boy. Ironically.

Day #Uno

Well folks, today...*sigh* was not so bad. ;D I'll have to be brief since my phone is about to die so bare with me. Today at work there were a couple of occasions I coulda flip-off some people but decided to hold back and continue with my day. Although I noticed something weird today.

I work in an armored truck business and I am a bit over protective with my job and the people I worked with. So usually people who come close to me or my coworker while dealing with money, I turn into the 'Terminator.' Yet the majority of the people that do get close are really Old... I mean, elderly people. Usually the elderly that I encounter are actually very mean but, today they seem very sweet. It could be because I was a bit nicer to them but I am not 100% sure. All I do know was that it was a first.

Other then that, today at work wasn't so bad. Was tempted to check facebook today just because it has become a habit to do so, but remembered why I shouldn't. Didn't realize until now how addictive social networking actually is. I also didn't get my ashes today but as stated before, I was at work. So instead I made my coworker put dirt from the sidewalk onto my forehead and said the 'Our father' 10 times.;p JK.

Well onto day 2. Bon Nuit!

Day One

So the day has arrived. Ash Wednesday. Not that this was planned well in advance or anything -it was more of a day-before type-thing- but sometimes the less planning you do, the better.

The day started out great. I followed my schedule to the T: Meditation, Running, Job apps, English lesson. Oh wait, I'm supposed to be doing something now...let's see. Oh yes, dancing. What? Dancing. You see, I've been spending an inordinate amount of time on the internet lately and am trying to reduce that as much as possible. So for approx. an hour in the evenings, I will be hosting private dance parties in my room. Something I used to do all the time as a kid and really enjoyed. And really miss.

Better wrap this up, as I've already wasted 18 of my dance minutes...this was just to state that day one has gone smoothly. Except for the fact that I didn't get my ashes. Then again, that wasn't in my agenda. I walked by church and saw the lights on, but honestly, I just wanted to get my ass inside to have dinner. Oops. Bye!

Blog NEWBIE!

If this ever reaches a million views/members, I wanna b the First one to post!

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Accomplishment...?

Yes!

Also, Just want to let everyone know it's going to suck giving up the things I enjoy little by little, (Alcohol, Fights, Sex, etc.) but for the little innocence i have left in me and consolation from the woman i adore... AND Stephanie V, shows me that this will be good for me and maybe even reach full enlightenment one day.

So far for 46 days I'm going to sacrifice due to Lent is Bread, Social Networking, and controlling my Flared Temper.

God Help Us all.